Gimme that olde-tyme religion

my favorite verse in the whole bible...

" And Noah began to be an husbandman, and he planted a vineyard: And he drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent."

Amen, brother... amen. Who amongst us can't relate to that?


Another biblical gem. The first recorded instance of females hatin' on each other over a dude.

Now Sarah, Abraham's wife bare him no children: and she had an handmaid, an Egyptian, whose name was Hagar. And Sarah said unto Abraham, Behold now, the LORD hath restrained me from bearing: I pray thee, go in unto my maid...

In other words, Sarah couldn't get pregnant, so she talls Abraham to go ahead and have a kid with hagar

And Abraham hearkened to the voice of Sarai

What man wouldn't hearken under those circumstances? I can kick it with your fine egyptian homegirl? Holla!

... And he went in unto Hagar, and she conceived:

skeet, skeet!

and when she saw that she had conceived, her mistress was despised in her eyes. And Sarah said unto Abraham, My wrong be upon thee: I have given my maid into thy bosom; and when she saw that she had conceived, I was despised in her eyes:

Of course, everyone knows that your main lady and your baby's momma aint gonna get along

...But Abraham said unto Sarah, Behold, thy maid is in thine hand; do to her as it pleaseth thee. And when Sarah dealt hardly with her, she fled from her face.

But Abraham, being a real G, is like,"My name's Bennett, I aint in it, you deal with the bitch". I'm pretty sure "she fled from her face" can be translated as "talk to the hand"

Not to mention that before all this happened, Abraham and Sarah got kicked out of Egypt cause Abraham pimped Sarah out to the Pharoah, Indecent proposal style, to get some cattle and sheep. It's like 2000 years from now some future civilization will have a religion based on the Jerry Springer show.